Sunday, July 9, 2017

Being the Best

Yesterday my sister came home from a week-long leadership camp she had earned a scholarship to attend. My sister and I are very close, and of course I was very happy for her when I found out she was attending.

But when she got home I was kind of indifferent to her. She was telling all these stories about camp and my parents were asking her all sorts of questions, and I just kind of ignored her. I felt a little annoyed at her, but I wasn't sure why. Later that day I made kind of a rude comment to her the put down this experience, and I felt bad about it but didn't apologize.

I started thinking about why I was acting the way I was. I knew I was a little jealous of her week- I miss going to leadership camps and events and feeling motivated enough to do anything. I hadn't felt that in a while. But then a clear thought popped into my head:

"I'm not the best at anything in this family."

The notion surprised me, and I pushed it away initially. I'm good at a lot of things. I had to be the best at something. So I tried to think of something I could say I was the best at compared to everyone else in my family. And...nothing.

I was good at sports in high school, but never as good as either of my brothers.
I'm funny, but not as funny as my younger brother.
I'm smart, but not as smart as my dad or my sister.
I'm nice, but not as nice as my mom.
I'm really good at writing, but my sister is just as talented as I am, if not more.
I got second place at a slam poem competition in high school; my sister got first.
I got a 3 on my English AP exam; my sister got a 5.
I had a good relationship with my teachers, but my sister has better relationships.
I have a good GPA, but my sister's is better.

My whole life I have felt overshadowed at some point in time by my siblings. Especially since I got to college, I don't feel like I stand out at all in my family. I'm just here. And sure, I have talents and I have a good life and I'm accomplishing a lot, but nothing more than anyone else.

I also figured out why I was being so bitter towards my sister lately- you'll notice that most of the things I listed involve her being better than me. She is incredibly talented and smart and accomplished, and she's four years younger than me. That beats of my self-esteem a lot.

Since this is sort of a realization I had just yesterday, I'm still dealing with it and don't have a ton of positive stuff to say right now. Sorry.

BUT. I know it's not important to be the best at everything. You're never going to be the best at everything, and in a lot of cases you're never going to be the best at anything. There's always someone in the world who will be better than you in some way. And you cannot let that stop you from doing what you love or working hard.

You don't have to be the best, you just have to try your best.

Now I'm going to go work on that.

Thanks for listening,
xoxo Anne