Saturday, July 1, 2017

I'm Back

So I kind of disappeared there for a while...like over two months. From the blog at least. A little over a month on my Instagram.

I dunno. I finished school for the semester and once I got home I just didn't feel compelled at all to write or post.

Okay, I do know why: when I'm at home, whether for summer or holidays, my anxiety gets way better. And even though it's still a big part of my life and I am doing new, intimidating things like an internship, I am in a place I'm comfortable and around many people who make me feel secure. Since I'm mostly writing about my anxiety on here, I felt like I just didn't have anything to say.

And I kind of go back and forth because like I said, I still struggle with anxiety daily. I guess I've just felt like it doesn't mean as much if it's not as bad? And hopefully that isn't true, but what I've been experiencing the most over the past couple months has been kind of the same small things over and over. That's not very interesting to read about.

That all being said, I miss writing. And I miss talking about my life, even if it's just to my computer. So I'm writing this with the hesitant commitment to continue posting regularly.

Alright, here's what's going on in my life:

Most of my energy is spent towards my internship- I am interning with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is an amazing organization and it's really cool to be a part of what they do. My supervisors are incredibly kind and great to work with, and for the most part I really enjoy my time there (even if i'm not getting paid). My main job right now is preparing for a fundraiser we have in a few months, which means contacting basically every business in the Spokane area asking for donations. Emailing is fine for me, but phone calls are where I suffer, which is a nice transition into some anxiety talk.

Phone calls make me feel incredibly weak and powerless. Even if everything goes great- I say my piece confidently, the person on the other end is friendly and gives me everything I asked for, and we part ways amicably- one simple call just drains me. I have to spend at least fifteen minutes psyching myself up for every phone call. I go over what I'm going to say and everything they could possibly say a few dozen times out loud, and sometimes write it all down so I basically have a script to follow for the entire conversation. The thought of a phone call makes me sweat and start to shake almost immediately. My heart starts to race the second I pick up the phone. And I always, always feel bad for calling people, no matter what I'm asking for.

This makes me feel weak because a stupid phone call has so much power over me. This is something I'm going to have to do for the rest of my life no matter what my career or life situation is, and I hate the thought that I'm going to be controlled by these emotions for that long over something so day-to-day. It makes me feel like a child.

That feeling sucks. Anxiety sucks. I like to end my posts with some positive "but it will all get better and I'll keep trying" message but I'm tired of everything and I don't always feel like things are going to get better.